Monday, December 31, 2007

Winding down 2007, welcoming 2008

Well the hustle and bustle of the holidays is basically over. I really enjoyed shopping for everyone this year and was so excited to watch my family open their stuff on Christmas morning. I think our Christmas went pretty well. It was hard because Gram passed away less than two months ago. I felt sad Christmas Eve because that was always Grandma and Papa holiday time. Now that they're both gone, Christmas Eve is just another day to me. I got stuck working Christmas day with the close shift. I wished so much I would have worked Christmas Eve instead. At least I got time and a half to stand and play cards while building a gingerbread house.

Christmas was also difficult this year since Tony was so far away floating around on a boat with a couple hundred marines and sailors. He had to have been feeling sad that day. Of course I miss him and wish he could have been home for Christmas, but at least I had my family to spend it with. Tony at least got to call me Christmas Eve and Christmas Day. Christmas Eve we got to talk for a little longer than usual but Christmas Day was a strict 15 minute time limit since there were more Marines than phone call slots. Even with 15 minute limits, there would still be 50-80 men who did not get to call home for Christmas.

About a month ago, Tony's leave dates were expected to be February 1st until February 18th. Tony was 99% sure it would stay that way. So I went ahead and bought us plane tickets to Tampa for a long weekend to visit his family. Sure enough, a couple of weeks ago I hear the leave dates have not only changed, but been cut in half. And that half point is right in the middle of our "trip" to Tampa. So much for that right? I finally called Expedia yesterday to see what I could do about changing or canceling our tickets. The woman I spoke with sounded Indian and her thick accent was really hard to understand, but she was very helpful. At first, it seemed as thought the tickets would be an extra 600 per person! Plus 100 dollar penalty fees for each ticket and 30 dollar fee from expedia. I felt almost in tears as I explained to Zunni (the Expedia rep.) that my fiancee is military, he is who I will be traveling with, and his leave dates changed which is why we had to change the travel dates. She said she would check with USAir about their policies, she said "sometimes they wave fees for military situations." I doubted USAir gave a flying poo. After being on hold for ten minutes or so, Zunni returns to explain she is still on hold with USAir. While I was on hold I found different travel dates for a better price and she took down the flight info and put me back on hold. After being on hold another ten minutes, she returned sounding excited and said "Nicole, I have good news! USAir is going to wave the 100 dollar fees and I will wave Expedia's 30 dollar fee, you will have to pay 88 dollars." I asked it was 88 per person, but it was actually 88 TOTAL! I was so excited I wanted to cry. What a relief! Now we'll go down for only 3 days, but its better than not being able to go at all.

Homecoming is getting so close! Less than one month. Lauren and I will drive down together. We are like two six year olds bouncing around so excited for our boys to come home. Lauren has become such a good friend--I don't know how I would have survived my second deployment without her! We keep each other sane and focused on the end result. I am so thankful to have her as a friend. Love you girl!!

Tonight is the last holiday we have until the boys are back home. Its hard to believe in 14 short hours it will be the year 2008. I don't have any plans for tonight other than working until ten. I'm just happy I get to come home in time to watch the ball drop. Although it won't be that exciting. Some year I'd love to travel to NY for New Years, or at least go somewhere. And another year I'd love to host a New Years party in my future house! I'll go all out with dorky hats and noise makers, decorations, and tons of food.

Farewell 2007.....hello 2008!

Friday, December 21, 2007

Done for real now...

Finally got the rest of my grades! I got a 3.0 for the semester! I was pretty excited about that. So now I am done completely. It feels weird. Hard to believe I don't have to go back to school in two weeks when Pitt's spring session begins. I'm not complaining though!

Now I just have to figure out what to do with myself career-wise. For now, I'll take all the work I can get at Blockbuster. I want to get Tony home, get married, and settled before I find something more "big girl" oriented. I have too much going on to start a new job right now. But I'm not in any hurry. Just a little worried because I don't know what to do. I can't get horses out of my head. Guess thats what Brent always meant by it being a "passion." I wish he was still here, sometimes I really miss him.

Tony comes home in less than two months! Soon, Lauren and I will be driving down in our crazy decorated car bouncing all over the place with excitement. We'll have a blast!

Friday, December 14, 2007

The results are in....

passed my computer class!!!! I got a C, which was what I needed to be able to graduate. Oh thank goodness!! Still waiting for the rest of my grades but I know I got passing grades in those classes! I couldn't be happier.

When I called my mom to tell her, she was so happy she was crying. I was too! Its been so rough, especially the past two years. I didn't think I'd ever finish. I almost quit school like four times through out the last four and a half years -- maybe even more than four times. It was so hard, but I am so happy my mom and dad kept pushing me to keep going. I'm on cloud nine right now.

And when I came home from work tonight, my mom handed me flowers and a card. Then my dad followed shortly after with a brand new HDTV!! I completely did not expect anything like that at all! I almost cried again! lol Its a great TV with a built in HDdvd and video input plugs galore! I'm so happy, I can't wait to tell Tony. He's going to say "see I told you babe" haha! And he'll love my TV! I'm so thankful, I totally did not expect anything! What a great little family we are

Monday, December 10, 2007

The painful suspense....did she pass?

Its been ages since I've had a moment to sit and write a new blog longer than 3 sentences. School was ridiculously busy this semester. I don't think I've ever had to work so hard to keep up with everything. Balancing work and stuff at home didn't help. Then with Tony being gone and Gram passing away, felt like all of my school books gained an extra 200 pages each. I'm more at peace with Gram's death now as its had time to sink in. However, I still subconsciously peek into her room and feel the urge to sing "night Grammie" before climbing the steps to go to sleep. I guess this will go away eventually?

The suspense is unbearable as I wait for my grades. My classes were not all THAT difficult, but they took a great deal of time and effort. I had the bright idea of piling on a bunch of literature courses since they are not "scientific" like most of the classes offered at Pitt. I guess I never thought about the large amounts of reading I'd have to do! I took Fantasy and Literature, Childhood Books, Intro to Film, Computer Programming, and Soccer. Ok so Soccer didn't take much time. I actually really enjoyed it. It was a nice break from the daily grind and it definitely kept me in shape!

Fantasy and Literature was fun. We read seven books over the semester: Lilith, Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire, Lord of the Rings Book 1, The Bartimaeus Trilogy: The Amulet of Samarkand, Neverwhere, The Tolkien Reader, and Sir Gawain and the Green Knight. I really enjoyed Harry Potter, Lord of the Rings, The Amulet of Samarkand, and Neverwhere. This class got me into Harry Potter and the Bartimaeus Trilogy -- I plan on reading the next two in the "Bart" trilogy (look for a movie in 2009!) and all the Harry books I can get my hands on! I don't think this professor liked me much though because I never got above a B on any of my essays or papers. So that is frustrating. She questions my writing abilities. I am no Steven King, but I've never had a professor ever offer to help my "writing style." Maybe she just dislikes young engaged college students! So guess I am stuck with a B in that class...

Childhood Books was interesting. We read six books over the semester: Treasured Tales from Beatrix Potter, The Secret Garden, The Golden Compass, Go Ask Alice, Tangerine, and one other title which slips my mind (it was something we printed off the internet). I loved The Golden Compass and plan on reading the next two in this trilogy. The professor was very nice and I got decent grades in that class, I might luck out and get an A of some sort.

Intro to Film was, well...very interesting. The professor can't stand the sight of violence. Not sure what she's doing in a Film course then! She walked out of the room during some girls' presentation because of a violent scene in Resovoir Dogs. Interesting indeed. Then two weeks ago I walk into class and she isn't there, some other woman is. She ditched us the last few weeks of classes! She had some family emergency. No emails, no message, just a sub who was going to discuss Gladiator with us, but she hadn't seen it in 7 years and couldn't remember a thing. Can you say "refund"? HAH But I almost never missed a class, participated, and got nice scores on graded things. So I hope for an A there as well.

Now, when it comes to Computer Programming, I get irritated just thinking about it. Its a hard class. But it is fulfilling a requirement for my major. I needed a Quantitative Formal Reasoning - CS0004 filled that requirement. The prof was not the best instructor I've ever come across (surprise surprise) but he seemed nice enough. I never missed a class. However, he canceled class FOUR times over the semester! And hardly adjusted the schedule for exams and projects. We were still expected to know what was going on. I struggled through most of the projects and did not do so well on the midterm. So I was hanging on by a thread. Then before Finals, he missed the whole week and we had basically 2 days to prepare for the final and turn in a final project (on the same day). I was almost in tears during the exam. I could not remember much at all and felt helpless sitting there. He knows how badly I need a C in that class...so keep your fingers crossed.

I keep checking online for my grades, hopefully I find out soon. I might go crazy waiting!

Tuesday, December 4, 2007

Taking a moment to breathe...

Yup....still too busy to write a good post!
I have two days left of my Undergrad career and about a week's worth of work to do for it! Posts will have to wait.


Soon my dear friends, soon!

Sunday, November 18, 2007

Soon....

Searching for the energy and drive to post a new entry...soon.

four days and counting since my last phone call - emails seriously don't cut it.

Monday, November 12, 2007

At Last!!

Yes! At last I got a phone call!! This morning at 7:59 my phone rang and read "call". It was Tony!! It was one of those bounce off the walls, do a flip, heart leap out of your chest kind of feelings. Words cannot explain how that phone call feels. Thank goodness. He sounded great and we talked about 30 mins. What a way to start the day, and the week for that matter! Quick post today, lots of studying to do before I go to sleep! :)

Saturday, November 10, 2007

Pony Kisses!

So far today, I've spent most of the day in a barn of some sort. I got up this morning and drove over to the house where I horse sit. I've posted about this place before, although she is down to only two horses now. I let her horses out and then cleaned their stalls. This only took me about 30 minutes. Then I came home and brushed Dale so I could put his turn-out sheet on. Its not so much that I want him outside with his "jacket" on, but I don't want him to roll in the mud so I can put his stable blanket on tonight (or "jammies" as I call them). Its going down to 29 tonight, I think a blanket will necessary for bed! After putting Dale out, I proceeded to clean his stall and sweep up all of the loose hay in the barn. I hate when it collects and gets really hard to clean up. Plus, this helps keep the barn dust down which is easier on his breathing. After all this, I saw a rail down on his split-rail pasture fence. So I went over to try to fix it. I was having a difficult time with trying to get the rail to fit in the slot. Dale comes over and starts being the curious pony he is. Then he does something I've never him do! He started to nibble ever so lightly on my head with his lips. Then he was wiggling his lips on my face. I gave him a kiss on the nose and then he did it back to me on my cheek. I know this sounds crazy but I think he figured out how to kiss! It definitely helped put a smile on my face and lighten my mood. I love my little pony buddy!

Friday, November 9, 2007

Dying For A Phone Call

Yes, I really am. Last phone call was on Halloween for about 60 seconds. I haven't had a conversation on the phone with Tony for weeks. Its a miserable feeling I can't explain. He hasn't had time to get to a phone, plus he ran out of minutes on his calling card which I can't seem to figure out how to recharge it. Its horrible. Its torture. Its cruel, they shouldn't have to pay to use a telephone to call home once in a while.

I hate deployments and being tired. :( I miss him.

Saturday, November 3, 2007

A Long Good-Bye

I'm not even sure where to begin. This week has been a blur. It started out with a bunch of small things that I joked with Lauren saying "my life is a country song" Well yesterday I could add another verse to the song. My grandma passed away over night.




Tuesday is where it begins. I was running late as usual. Left the house 30 mins later than I like to. I ran down the sidewalks, up the steps of the CL, and down the hall to my class. Got there by 11:05. No one was in there, it was dark. One kid was sitting in the hall behind me and said "oh class is canceled." Figures. Then I got a phone call a little later from Torrie at work saying Kim had called off sick (already) and there wasn't really anyone to cover for her. Guess that leaves me. I was so angry because I had a great deal of homework to do and since I worked Wednesday, I expected to do it Tuesday. I feel bad that I sort of exploded towards Torrie. I have apologized and she understands. I didn't have to work Tuesday thankfully. Thankfully even more so because my brakes died Tuesday late afternoon anyway. I put my foot on the brake when I was putting my car in reverse to back out of a parking spot. My foot slid forward and I heard a bit of a POP air sound. I didn't think anything of the sound, but my brake pedal felt weird. I called my mom saying it felt 'loose' I think I used a bad choice of words to describe it. So when I got on Rt 8 and I realized I could hardly stop my car, I called mom again saying "mom, I'm having a REALLY hard time stopping my car." She told me to stay put and she and my dad would be there soon. Sure enough the brake line ruptured and was spilling brake fluid all over the parking lot of Sheetz. My car was towed away and repaired 400 bucks later. I was lucky - it could have been a dangerous mess if it happened while I was doing 50 mph down the highway.

Wednesday was Halloween. I was excited to work because I was dressing up as Meredith Grey from Grey's Anatomy - my favorite Television show. Class finished at 4:15 and I had to be there at 5:00. So I was a bit anxious about that, but figured I've made it before, I'll be fine. I was already in a terrible mood, almost in tears, since I got a 76 on my midterm essay for one of my literature classes. I feel like I deserved at least a B. This 76 is not acceptable to me. Well, apparently everyone was rushing home for Halloween at the same time. It took me 30 minutes to get from my parking spot in Oakland to Bloomfield. This is roughly a 4 mile drive, it should take me 3 minutes. I ended up being 15 minutes late to work. Then to top it all off, Tony tried to call me at about 6:15, my phone was on vibrate in my pocket and I only felt the last ring. When I looked at my phone it said "missed call" and I saw the call was "no number." I listened to the voice mail and just crumbled outside of my store with tears running down my face. Luckily Lauren, the amazing friend she is, emailed Tony and he was able to call again. But it was for about 1 minute since the calling card ran out of minutes. So the rest of the night I felt pretty down.

Thursday was a bit better of a day. I went straight to the barn after school. It was awesome to spend some time with her, she brightened my spirits. I came home to be on Grandma duty since Brian had a hockey game and dad was out of town. Gram had been out of it for the last few days. She knew who we were and what was going on, but when you spoke to her, she jumbled her words back to you. She had been difficult to get pills into and fell asleep a few times eating dinner or lunch. I gave her a bologna sandwhich and chips for dinner. I had to remind her 3 or 4 times to take her pills. Now looking back I feel bad because some of my last words to her were "take your pills grammie!" I was getting annoyed, now I feel bad. I went back upstairs to try to clean my room up. I came back down 30 mins later and all of her food was gone. Then Buffy (my dog) trotted out of her room with her head down and tail wagging between her legs. I am not certain, but all of those clues makes me think Gram fed the majority of her dinner to the dog. I looked in on her, she was asleep in her chair. So I didn't talk to her and I went back upstairs to wait for my 9:00 show. I didn't come back down again until about 9:45 when mom and Brian came home. Then our water pressure was down and we suspected the well died again. We were all so mad, so upset, the feeling in the house was indescribable. It was a mix of tension, hostility, frustration, etc. From all of us. I drove to my grandparents to shower at 11:00pm since I had to work in the morning. I was annoyed the rest of the night. I went up to bed at like midnight. I leaned into gram's room and I said "night grammie!" she jumbled for words and said "night honey, sleep tight" I didn't answer, I just moped up the steps. I regret that. I should have gone inside and at least looked at her. I last saw her alive when I gave her dinner. I am foolish, I should have gone in to see her when I said night but I was annoyed about the water situation and working all weekend.

Friday morning. I had to be at work by 9. I felt tired and a bit crabby thinking our well was broken. I cheered up at bit at work. I was busy with paperwork and the usual busy morning stuff at Blockbuster. At about noonish, I was doing the FOS report (found on shelf) I felt cheerful. Work phone rang, I answered "Thank you for calling Blockbuster in Allison Park, this is Nikki, How can I help you?" I hear a familiar voice, its my mom. I said "hey how are ya?" she says "ehh not so good...Grandma died this morning" Almost felt unreal. I knew she wasn't well and probably wouldn't be around for much longer, but I didn't expect it then at that moment. I cried. Standing in the back corner of my store with my clipboard in my hand. Thankfully there were no customers. Torrie is the Assistant Store Manager and one of my good friends. She insisted I leave once she got there at 3:00 (I had been scheduled til 5). She also took my morning shifts both today and tomorrow. She closed last night, opened today, will close tonight, and open Sunday. I feel so bad about her working all these shifts, but we have no other managers (they're all on vacation, which ticked me off this week as well). She might be able to find someone from another store for tonight. She is such a good person.

I know grandma is in a better place now, no pain, no confusion, and with her wonderful husband. I just feel so sad. And with Tony being gone, its even harder. He is supposed to be my rock, my support system. And he hasn't even been able to call me. All I got was a paragraph of an email saying he was sorry and feels bad. It makes me almost angry at him, but for what? He is doing his job, he can't be here. When he deployed, I had this feeling deep down saying "Gram will pass while he is gone and I'll be here doing the funeral stuff with out him..." I was right.

I feel like I didn't get to say good-bye. I feel like I didn't spend enough time with her lately. I have just been exhausted, physically and emotionally. But as I think about it, we have been saying good-bye for years, especially the last two years after papa died and gram moved in. My mom's AD blog buddies have many nicknames for this disease. One I find perfect to describe it is "The Long Good-Bye" Because it is. They are slipping away slowly and we all know it. So even though I did not get to kiss her cheek and give her a hug one last time, I've been saying good-bye for years.



Rest in Peace "Grammie"





Friday, October 26, 2007

T.G.I.F.

So mom and I worked things out. Last week we even went to Walmart and dropped a large amount of money on care package goodies! I guess we both just have a lot on our plates, mom especially, and we take it out on each other. Sometimes we're so alike that our heads just clash like two mountain goats, neither one ready to give in!

I decorated and sent my Thanksgiving package this week. Its pretty dorky but I love it and Tony says he loves them too. I did the Halloween one a lot like this and I
should have taken a picture of it! But he said even the guys thought its cute and creative. LOL OR he is just telling me that so I don't feel silly. Oh well his Christmas, Winter, and New Years ones will be JUST as cute and creative!



The past week is a blur. I had two exams on Tuesday. I spent all of Monday night studying for them. Then I worked Wednesday and Thursday night after school. I got one exam back in my Childhood Literature class already yesterday. With bonus and arguing one of my answers with the prof, I ended up with a 93! I'll take that! Since I failed the last exam! Haha! I believe I'll get the results of the computer exam on Tuesday (oh boy)

And now I find myself sitting here Friday morning. The week is practically over. I'm not complaining though. Because this Tuesday is the HALF WAY POINT of this deployment. Oh thank goodness. This deployment is not as nerve wrecking as the last one. This time, I know he is not running down the streets of Ramadi dodging bullets and IEDs. Sometimes I do get a bit nervous if I hear of a crisis in the Middle East and I worry he might get called out to go there. But then I relax again and remember the news makes everything into a crisis these days. The military defines a crisis a lot differently than the US media.

I got roses the other day too! I think it was Tuesday. I was so surprised. I knew he had gotten me something and it was on its way, but I didn't think it would be roses! They're beautiful and I love them! I know they're just flowers, but its the thought and the effort it takes for him to order the flowers. It just means a lot and even though they'll be very dead in about another week, its that feeling and memory that will stick forever! :)






Today is my day off, YES! I am watching gram for mom while she goes into work for a few hours. I plan on getting caught up on some homework. I might even go to the gym and tanning. I'm waiting to get a call from Torrie to see if she is motivated to go with me. I am so happy for a day off. I have a day off Sunday too. Oh they are so needed!

Friday, October 19, 2007

Good to Bad in a Flash

Today started out fabulous. I got a phone call at 7am from Tony. We talked for 30 mins (cost him $30). Today was supposed to be the day I caught up on my sleep. So I tried to go back to sleep, I was so excited about my call. Then I here "bloop bloop bloop blooop" from my computer. Lauren! Her morning conversation with Scott was, well, not quite as she had hoped it would go. So I listened (watched technically) as she told me whats up. I suggested we go back to sleep, lol. Sleep is the answer! I didn't sleep much longer...but things ended up working out for Lauren, which always makes me glad!

I dragged myself out of bed at 10ish to shower and get ready. I promised my grandparents I'd help them get Autumn/Halloween decorations and set them up. This is a long long story. I wanted to do homework all day but I promised I'd go. Ever since my grandpa passed away, I've had issues about how much time I spend with my remaining three grandparents. I feel like I never spent enough time with him, its something I think about every day. I guess in some demented way, spending time with my other three is something I should do--not be lazy and just do it. You just never know what could happen, guess it goes for any one of us though. Grim but true :-\

I ran some errands after this: pick up DVDs at work, get groceries for mom, get stupid decorations (not sure why I bothered...) for Autumn, home to drop off stuff, back out to get new shoes for soccer, and a game for Tony's Thanksgiving carepackage. I felt tired after all this driving around but I felt good. I was happy. I got a lot of what I wanted to do done. This stuff had been siting in my head for days to do. I still have more. But when I got home, I got into a huge fight with my mom. Its not worth going into...but it shot my mood right down. I tried to apologize, and we talked for a bit, which ended in a fight again.

I can't even think of how to describe how I feel. I am sad, I am angry, I am frustrated, I am lonely. I came into my room, slammed my door and screamed into my robe hanging on my door. I threw things around and I cried. I thought about all the horrible things that have happened in my lifetime. I thought about the loved ones I've lost, the stupid things I've done, about missing Tony and hating the military for taking him away twice in the short time I've known him. And I had an urge to get away from all this. Get away from school, from work, from arguments, from deployments--where could I go. Then I came back to Earth and realized I can't do that. I'm here. I have to deal. I've finally calmed down, but I'm still upset. I just wish my life was normal again - its been so long....



this is a ridiculous post, but it felt good to get out.

Monday, October 15, 2007

Well....or lack-there-of...

I've had no time to post lately. If its not school, its work - or just lack of focus and motivation. Even know its 10 til midnight and I should be in bed. I've become a creature of the night-hard to fall asleep but even harder to wake up each morning. This is not like me, but maybe I'm changing? Maybe its college and working taking its toll? Maybe its these damn deployments...

This morning I was proud I woke up before 9am (I have to leave here at 10). I washed my face, brushed my teeth, and got a shower. About 45 mins later I was finishing up getting ready and sorting my books out when I hear my mom yell up "NIKKI DON'T FLUSH ANYTHING WE HAVE NO WATER" uhmm WHAT? Yep. No water. Yes, its quite lovely out here in the country. Fresh air, no neighbors. BUT, we have a well. This summer was rather dry. It wasn't exactly the hottest summer, but we didn't have a lot of rain. I guess it all caught up with us this morning. My mom was so angry. She had my gram getting ready for her shower and what a shock to turn on the water and have nothing come out. I guess there is a bit of water, but it was so low that it didn't reach the pump. I was thankful to be able to get my shower, but my mom didn't get one and neither did my gram. I felt like it was partially my fault. But if I had known we were low, my shower would have been 3 mins rather than 10...Thus we are on mega conservation mode. Tonight I washed my face with a jug of water and brushed my teeth with my water bottle I had with me at school today. Makes me feel like I'm on Survivor.

Tomorrow I have soccer which involves wearing shorts. The chilly temperatures this weekend did not agree with my smooth, hairless legs. SO, tomorrow I will attempt to shave my legs with my jug of water. Wish me luck.


(ps...tomorrow is 11 weeks down and 15ish to go...please hurry up!)

Monday, October 8, 2007

Nearly 10 weeks down!

Well, today was the hottest October day on record for the city of Pittsburgh with a high of 87 degrees. Way to go mother nature! Break those records!

Today was just a regular Monday: Film class 11:00-12:55, lunch break with my "health" salad, then Fantasy ad Romance lit class from 3:00-4:15. However, this particular Monday I was lucky to get a phone call on my way to school, a phone call on my way home from school, and a quick web cam session with Tony! Days like these are what keep me going.

As for school, I'm behind on all of my reading, but trying my hardest to catch up! I am supposed to have the entire Lord of the Rings: Fellowship of the Ring read by Wednesday...sure thing, only 590 pages to go! I'll get RIGHT on that. Tonight I have to read the rest of Go Ask Alice (about 150 pages) and try to start on my Computer Project. Its just overwhelming sometimes.

Friday Tony will be getting back on the ship at 2am his time. I think he is tired of Kuwait so he is ready to get out of there. I'll feel better if he gets out of the middle east as well, however, that means no communication time. Ugh. Just the thought of this is like a rock in my gut. I hate not talking to him, it makes this whole situation even worse. He is excited though because he says all the guys feel like homecoming is right around the corner. I guess because they'll be setting off for home almost a month before they actually hit port in the US. Hey, whatever works for them and keeps their minds there while they go through the deployment!

I've already begun preparations for my Thanksgiving Care Package! haha! This is a bit tough since I can't exactly pack up a turkey, potatoes, and pumpkin pie!! I'll find some creative ideas :) Just wait until Christmas! He might need two boxes for that ;)

Happily, tomorrow marks 10 weeks down and about 16 more to go...almost at the half way point!

Friday, October 5, 2007

TGIF to the max

Yes, Friday, alas! School has been nuts and I have been so looking forward to today. Today I have no work and no school. I have no where I NEED to be and nothing I NEED to do! I can't remember how long its been since this! haha

I have a huge list of things I want to get done. First off, I plan on catching up my homework. This shouldn't be too hard to do (yeah other than the few hundred pages of reading I have)

Tony called me 40 minutes ago. There are no words to explain the excited feeling I get when I see that wacky phone number on my cell phone caller ID. He sounds good, congested though! He said the sand and dust has been getting to his nose, I heard him sneeze a few times. Other than that, he sounds great. Filling me in on all the gossip about the guys. Explaining what you are supposed to use to clean a rifle and how its done. We have a webcam date at 2:30 today! yay! It might be one of the last times I "see" him before he gets back to America. Soon they are going back onto the ship - or back into the no communication mode! No phones, no AIM, just the email provided to them. Even the postal service is very slow and limited. I have gotten spoiled by our daily phone calls. I'm sure Tony has become very accustomed to these daily calls as well. I can't imagine how he must feel all cooped up on a ship for weeks at a time with all those guys and no phones. Its going to be tough to get back into the swing of having little to no phone calls...I hope they got the phones fixed on the ship...

But BOY am I happy its Friday :)

Sunday, September 30, 2007

Goodbye September, Hello October

Well, things have gotten a bit easier since my last post. Maybe not easier, possibly more manageable is more appropriate to describe it. Tony was able to call me yesterday and get on the webcam as well. This always helps.

I had my hair lightened on Friday. I was nervous about it and after it was finished, I was not sure what I thought of it. As the evening went on, I decided I didn't like it. I was almost in tears. Then yesterday I washed my hair and styled it my way, and its not bad. Actually, it might even be growing on me. My hair was blond for years and years. Naturally, I am a dark blond. But I've had my hair brunette for two years and it was quite a change to go back to light. I think lately I've been a bit resistant to change. In any event, I've gotten used to my light hair. Tony says its gorgeous (although I could shave it all off and he would love it anyway!)

Thankfully this is the last post of September! Which brings us to October as of tomorrow. It is a great feeling each time I can flip another page on my calendar. I look forward to this each month! I enjoy Xing off the days. Each X is an X closer to Tony's homecoming. A little bird told me to look at the second week in February for this! Although, things are never concrete with the Marines, so this might change numerous times before it happens.

Friday, September 28, 2007

How To Survive...

The last few days have been so difficult. I find myself missing Tony so much its almost unbearable. I feel sad and lost all day. Its hard to focus on school and work. I don't really feel like interacting with other people. When I am not busy, sometimes I'll just sit for hours and stare at nothing getting lost in my thoughts. The simplest things can send me off in tears. How am I supposed to do this for another four months? Even my DVDs for work don't interest me - I have to force myself to sit and watch them.

I know there are good and bad days. But even my "good days" are bad. The "bad days" are just plain horrible. I hate deployments. Especially this one, its a huge waste of money. They take our guys away unnecessarily for months with limited communication. All they do is sit in the desert and train. The same training they can do in the US for a fraction of the time and money. I just don't understand it.

I wish I could just get into the swing of this deployment. Last year I had horse shows and barn stuff to keep busy. Now I don't even feel wanted at the barn. Thats another sad subject. I have to drag myself to the barn. Its not fair to Fanny. I love her so much but sometimes the barn is the last place I feel like being. I need to get there this weekend to see her. I wish I wasn't so miserable :(

Sunday, September 23, 2007

Its STILL September?

seconds feel like minutes, minutes feel like hours, hours feel like days, days feel like weeks, weeks feel like years, and months are decades!

This is how I feel sometimes about deployments. When I get to talk to Tony, its not so bad and time passes a bit quicker. This weekend, Tony had to spend a few days out in the field, which is actually a desert somewhere. This is the first time in like 2 in a half weeks I have gone more than one day with out some type of communication. I kept reminding myself he'd be back to the hooch to be able to talk to me by 11:00pm his time, 4:00pm my time. Well four o'clock as come and gone, it is nearly six, and I have not heard from him. It is so hard to focus on something else instead of thinking, "wonder why he didn't call or get online yet? Wonder if they're still out there? I hope everything is ok. Wonder when I'll talk to him?" Because at least I had some very short term goal, make it until Sunday afternoon. Now I feel like, "hmmmm now what?"

Spirits are slowly falling as I look at the calendar and see there is still one more week before September is over. Tony keeps saying it'll go faster once we hit the half way mark. I let him keep thinking that because if it works for him, awesome! But I remember the last deployment and by the end of it, I was a wreck. I remember the weekend I left to meet him in NC. I was sick to my stomach with stress and shakey nerves. Maybe this time will be a bit better since he is not in Iraq.

Wake me when its over!!

Wednesday, September 19, 2007

Pass the Motivation, Please

Ah yes, motivation. Something I usually have. But lately, I have very little. This could be the result of a few things. First of, I blame Senioritis. I am in my very last semester at Pitt. I guess you could call me a "super Senior" (this is what Lauren calls it). Its a cute way of saying 5th year student! I'm not sure what I am, since I won't be in school this Spring. Wow, its weird to say that, but I like it. I am very "over" school and most of what it entails. I am tired of the new Freshmen on campus each August who run around like in the halls of my high school. I am most tired of the students who run out in front of my car while I am clearly accelerating! Yes I know pedistrians are usually the ones with the right away. However, its not one or two people, its like 30 people. They look right at you and continue to walk. I'm sure they can smell the burning of my brake pads since I had to slam them on to avoid killing one or two of the students!

Monday this week, I actually screamed out my window at the people. I yelled, "THIS IS NOT A FREAKING CROSS WALK!!" I got a lot of looks but only one or two people stopped and waited on the sidewalk. The worst part is, about 20 yards down the sidewalk there is a crosswalk, is it that hard to walk such a short distance? Monday was a bad day for my morning commute. It usually is. Traffic was horrible. And as I usually do, I got stuck behind many slow vehicles on my drive. I also had many slow people pull out in front of me, then proceed at a snail's pace. That is maddening, there is nothing you can do about it. But tell that to your professors? Most students don't commute any further than a few blocks down the road. I'd love to trade with them just one day so they'd stop complaining.

I think my sleeping habits are leading to my lack of motivation as well. Its not that I like to stay up late playing games or watching movies - quite the opposite. Usually, I work and then end up staying awake until after midnight to try to catch up on my homework. Or, if I do get to sleep at a good time, I can't stay asleep. Sometimes I will wake up 5 times throughout the night. Sometimes to go to the bathroom, sometimes to get a drink, other times from nightmares, many times for no reason at all. There are also a few cases where I wake up to a phone call or an instant message sound from Tony. I don't mind these wake up calls! Last night I had two horrible nightmares. One dream was about the Cathedral of Learning collapsing along with a few other large Pitt buildings (Cathedral of Learning is a 30-something story building at my college, it is the tallest academic building in the US, 2nd tallest in the world). In the other nightmare, I was in Iraq. I saw people murdered in the most disturbing ways. I am not even sure where my mind would have seen such images to recreate in my dreams. It woke me up with such a fright I felt deathly afraid and it took me a little while to fall back to sleep.

I hope my motivation comes back soon. Can't be a slacker at Pitt, its dangerous.

Friday, September 14, 2007

Where Did This Week Go?

Its been a while since I've had time to sit down and update my blog, let alone read my two favorites! (mom and Lauren's) I apologize for that guys!

This week has felt like a blur. Sunday we went to the Genesis concert at the Melon Arena. It was so fantastic! I grew up listening to ALL of those songs. They were all so familiar to me even after years of not hearing them. I knew most of the words or at least could hear it in my head. It was so great, I'd definitely see them again. This video is from the concert we were at, I did not film it but I thought it was cool since I was THERE! We were to the left of the stage, this was filmed from the right. Great concert!! :)



PS - take note of how nice and loud us Pittsburghers got in the crowd! Some of those loud whistles were mine, thank you very much! hehehe

As for this week, I'm not sure if it was work or school or a combination of the two - it seriously flew by. This is a good thing I guess, since it means one more week closer to homecoming! This Tuesday will be 7 weeks since Tony left. Hard to believe its nearly 2 months. At times it feel sooo slow, then there are weeks like this past week where the time passes quickly.

I've been lucky enough to talk to Tony nearly every day for a week. Give or take a few. He has been on Instant Messenger as well as calling me. I think its pathetic that they make the guys pay for internet access if they want to use a messenger service. Also, the calling cards are chopped in half 3 times! I bought him 800 minutes the one day and he ended up with barely an hour and half worth of call time. I've just ordered a 550 min Global calling card, they claim they get more for the minutes, we'll see!

He also was able to get to a webcam! How AWESOME is that?! I was actually able to see him live-time over the internet. I'll tell ya, my smile was about 5 miles long lol. It really helped to boost my spirits and keep me going. From what Tony says, it has done the same for him. How exciting!! :)

Tuesday after school, I toyed with the thought of driving out to the barn for the weekly trail ride. I finally said "I'm just going to go" And I went. I hadn't gone to one for nearly a year. Last year, they went Fridays and I usually had to work. There were about 11 of us that went. The weather was beautiful and I could tell Fanny was enjoying the ride. She doesn't race to the front of the gang anymore these days. We end up falling behind to the last or second to last of the horses. But thats ok, she does her best as she always has, and we have a great time. It took three days for my leg muscles to stop aching, lol but it was worth it. I did not have my usual western saddle, so I had to use more muscle to ride with my english one! I think its easier on her to have a lighter saddle anyway! I think I'll try to go again next week :)

Saturday, September 8, 2007

Sandy Phone Calls

Today I had to be at work by 9:00am. Since the store is undergoing an 8 week labor crunch, I had to be there alone to open the store. We open at 10:00, sure enough there were about 3 people ready to come in at 10 on the dot! One of whom had been waiting for us to open for 45 minutes before! It just makes me think "come on people, its Saturday, sleep in for goodness sake!" But I paint on that smile and say "hello!" as they come barging through the glass doors.

Needless to say, it would have helped a GREAT deal today if I could have had someone with me, at least from 10-2. It was non-stop busy with huge long lines, people calling looking for films, kids running around crying, people asking to be let into the bathroom, customers complaining about anything they can, etc. Around 2:30, I feel my cell phone (which I keep on vibrate in my pocket just in case!) Vibrating. I know that if it does it more than twice, it is a call rather than a text. It vibrated more than two times, so I took it out to look at the ID. It read "call" nothing more...I answer and I hear "Hi angel, I love you" OH MY GOSH!!! It was Tony! I was so excited, I almost burst into tears of happiness in the middle of my store. It has been 2 weeks + 1 day since the last time I heard his voice. Even with trying to juggle my conversation with my deployed fiance along with managing customers, what a great feeling to finally hear him after so long.

He updated me on their new training schedule "over there" I won't go into details because of the tight security situations. But if all goes as planned, they should be homeward bound by the end of January! I'll be counting the days...This Tuesday will be 6 weeks down!!

My good friend Lauren also received phone calls today from Scott. However, she had forgotten her cellphone back home in her other purse and missed all 4 of them! My gosh, poor Lauren! I feel so bad for her about that. I wish there was something I could do to help! Many people have no idea what this feels like. Its a feeling you get deep down in the pit of your stomach. This feeling then jolts up into your chest and you feel like your heart might burst. Then it feels as if your heart leaped into your throat and you might suffocate! Then the tears come. All of this occurs in about 30 seconds or less. I know its easy to say, "its ok he'll call again." But when you are on the side where you missed the calls, nothing seems to help! I'm praying for her and crossing my fingers that Scott will try again VERY soon so she can hear her Marine's voice. I love you Lauren!! :)

But its good to know they have made it to their destination and their place of residence for the next few weeks. I hope there will be many more phone calls or instant messages to come after this first day of sandy phone calls :)


~Fortune Favors the Strong~


Sunday, September 2, 2007

Last Horse Show of the Season

Today was the last day of the last horse show this season. The weather was so perfect for a horse show. Not too hot, low humidity, sunny clear skies, no rain! It was a beautiful weekend. I couldn't make it to bathing day on Wednesday nor set-up day on Thursday due to school being back in session. I also didn't make it there Friday because of work. But I finally got up there Saturday afternoon for a few hours until I got called into work from 7:00-close (figures! but I want the money). And we got up there again today from 8:00am-5:00pm. Long day today but it was busy so I am sure they appreciated the help. Gosh I just love to dive in to getting horses ready and helping the kids get through their class. The one girl, Christina, won her open English JR Exhibitor today! It was so exciting. It reminds me of when I was 12 and 13 like they are and I would go into a class all nervous and worried, then have a kick butt ride and take home a blue. Those were the good old days! Nothing beats that thrill and that excitement. It was also so great that my mom was able to slip away from the house both Saturday and today to come with me. We used to do horse shows together for YEARS, and I really enjoyed spending horsey time together again :)

Wow do I miss showing though. I retired Fanny (my Arabian show horse) officially from the show ring this year. She would keep doing it if I asked her to and put her back to work, but she is 26 years old and has given me her entire heart since I got her in 1998. She has earned a happy and healthy retirement. But I definitely really miss having a horse to pull into shape, take to the shows and see how we do. Its so hard to stand at the rail instead of riding in it! And sometimes I get this crazy idea where I think "if I save this much money each month I'll be able to get one!" Then I remember that 'getting one' comes with board to pay and farrier/vet bills which seem to be never ending. And that I am also trying to be a 'big girl' and save for a house since I am going to be married in April. My mom keeps saying I'll get another one some day, its just really hard to imagine right now. Sometimes I wish a million dollars would fall out of the sky on my front porch one day. I know they say money can't buy happiness, but gosh would it sure help me out!! I'd pay off school, get my house and barn, and get myself a new show horse. Sigh...o well hopefully my mom is right and I'll have a new one someday.

Wednesday, August 29, 2007

School Is In Session

This was the first week back at Pitt. I have quite the variety of classes - none of them have much to do with my degree. I had needed to pick only 13 credits to reach the required 120. When I chose my classes I settled on Intro to Film (its a lit class), Romance and Fantasy Literature, Childhood Literature, Intro to Basic Computer Programming, and Soccer. Interesting eh? Well it involves A LOT of reading. Maybe I was crazy to take three literature classes in one semester? Oh well, at least I'll be finished by December. Hard to imagine being completely done with school. Also hard to imagine it'll be 5 years this June since I graduated high school. It really does not feel like it has been so long already...where does the time go!?

I was talking with my brother (a senior at the high school now) at dinner tonight about certain little things in the school; hall monitors who still watch over seniors on the senior patio, pickle races on the cafeteria windows, how fun it is to work in the guidance office and how to sign up for 'office duty', even the types of hair cuts some of the teachers have had over the years. Thats what I love about Deer Lakes. Sure we all complain about our mold problem in the building and how small our school district is, but in reality, its a great little township. Everyone knows everyone and very little changes over time. I like that, I hope to raise a family in West Deer in the future.

Another step in the planing of my wedding is coming up. Today the florist FINALLY returned my call. I had been trying to get a hold of her for a week and was beginning to give up. Back in November at the bridal gown event where I got my dress, I had caught a bouquet from a florist. As a result, I won a $250 gift certificate toward my flowers for my wedding. So obviously, I was anxious to hear back from the florist where I have a nice $250 discount! My mom and I will meet with her next Friday to look at options! Its so exciting! Now I just have to find some pictures of floral arrangements I like. Tulips are my favorite, maybe I'll be able to find some examples of tulips in arrangements!

Lastly, as of Tuesday, it has been one month since Tony and the guys deployed. One long month down, about 5 or 6 more to go. There is no way to tell this early when they will be back. Could be 5 months from now, could be 6. Anyone familiar with the Marines knows that days/times ALWAYS change at least once! Don't try to figure it out, it'll drive ya crazy so we just guess and wait! :)

Friday, August 24, 2007

Another Year Older...

Well yesterday I turned 22. To me, it sounds a lot older than 21, I mean obviously it is, but it seems a lot older. Maybe its just my imagination!

Aside from missing Tony, I had a great birthday! My parents got me awesome pots and pans! Never thought I'd see the day where a box with pots and pans as a gift would make me so happy, haha! Guess thats part of getting older. I also got 2 sets of coca-cola glasses. Its a long story but they were an item Tony and I had an argument over putting in our wedding registry. I see nothing wrong with them, I barely remember what we were fighting about. So my parents thought it was hilarious to get them. Haha! I like them though! :) I also got a video game for my hand held Nintendo DS game (quite a variety of gifts eh?) I'll always be a kid at heart playing video games!

Yesterday, mom and I made the rounds, returning some DVDs to Walmart that I have already (I have 200 DVDs so its hard to buy me ones I don't have, but they were awesome DVDs that my brother got me! Guess thats why I have them and why he picked them!) They had no power for some reason, so we were shoved out the door with the cash refund instead of finding something to exchange it for. Oh well, more business for Target up the street! Which was what my mother and I did; we returned some shirts that were too large. I exchanged one and since we couldn't find the other color anymore, I got another DS game and save the date cards to send out to my out of state guests. Most of them are Tony's family on both his mother and father's side, they will be coming from Virginia, New Jersey, and Florida mostly so I like these save the date cards for a heads up before I send the formal invitations.

I also had a lovely long Birthday phone call from my marine yesterday! He called at about 9:30am (7:30pm Greece time) we talked for like 40 mins, it was a great present! Its so nice to talk on the phone for longer than five minutes. It just helps this whole situation and fuels me for another few days or weeks with out a call. He has been emailing me nearly every day, that helps too.

Last night, my kitty Jasper had an appointment at the vet's office. We suspect he might be diabetic. He has all of the symptoms: extreme hunger, loss of weight, constant urination, drinking a lot of water, and just not himself. My mom and I drove him out to the vet. Poor Jasper was so stressed in the car ride that he messed himself the whole way. OH what an awful smell!! So it was a long and smelly ride for all three of us! Once we got him there, the vet assistant had her work cut out for her, good thing she is young and eager to learn! He stayed the night since he was a little dehydrated and very messy. So first thing this morning we got a call saying our suspicions were correct and he is indeed diabetic. Poor guy's sugar was 450! Apparently blood sugar levels in cats are similar to humans, so he should be between 80 and 120. Poor Jasper must have felt so goofy with sugar that high. We will treat him with insulin. Our critters are part of the family, I guess some people would put their animals down if they have diabetes and they do not want to fund for the insulin treatment. We can't do that!

So my Birthday turned out better than I expected. I have a great family and wonderful friends who sent me lots of online Birthday wishes. It was my last Birthday as a single lady (legally) Next year I will turn 23 as a married woman! :)

Monday, August 20, 2007

My Hero is on a Ship...

*Tony's home away from home for the next 6 months*


*Tony and I at 3:00am the day he deployed*

Tomorrow will be the three week mark since Tony deployed. It feels much much longer to me. Feels like forever almost. I hope that when school starts up next week that time will move a little bit faster. This is my last semester of college. I cannot wait to be finished. School is not very "fun" for me! Most people love it and dread the day they graduate. Maybe if I lived there I'd be singing a different tune. Although, if I lived at school, I am sure I wouldn't have been lucky enough to meet Tony! So I'll take nonfun school, commuting to CCAC for two years, and then commuting into the city every day for another two and a half years instead of parties on campus!! I am so fortune to have a guy like Tony. I am excited to get to the end of this deployment so I can marry my hero. :)

*Tony carrying his weapon before he deployed*


Wedding Bells Ringing

*releasing of the doves after the ceremony*

Cortney and Jim were married this weekend. It was a beautiful day for it. Mild temperatures, blue skies and plenty of sunshine. The ceremony was beautiful and the reception was great. I cried more at this wedding than any other wedding before! Actually I don't think I have ever cried at a wedding. It was just so emotional. I think especially since my wedding is 9 months away. When Cortney was saying her vows she was crying and I think most of the people in the church joined her! But her dress was beautiful. The bridesmaids all looked gorgeous. Everything was so beautiful. I guess I'm next!!


*The original Four Barn Girls All Grown Up*


~My dad took these pictures; They're great! Who needs a wedding photographer!?

Wednesday, August 15, 2007

Phonecalls

After two weeks, I finally got my first phone call from Tony yesterday. I was outside pulling weeds around noon and my phone rang. I looked at it and saw an unusual number I didn't recognize and I thought "could it be him??" I answer with a little "hello?" and I hear "I love you sweet heart." Those little words and my whole face lit up. I squealed and told him I love him too. We talked for about 15 or 20 minutes before getting disconnected. He sounds great, much better than the last deployment. I was so excited about this phone call. When I think about it, most people take something so simple as a quick phone call and 'I love you' for granted. I have learned to cherish the little phone calls and survive on the 'I love you.'

He tried to call me again at 4:30pm yesterday. I was in the shower and did not take my phone into the bathroom. I was pretty upset I missed the calls. Even though I had talked to him a few hours before, its still just the fact that I missed him. And to know I can't call back like I could when he was home to say "whoops sorry I was in the shower and forgot my phone." From now on, this phone never leaves my body!

I got another call again this morning at about 9:30. He sounded great again. He was excited to tell me all about France and what he has been up to. Sounds like a vacation rather than a deployment! But in a few weeks he will be training in the Middle East, so that isn't a vacation. I am happy he finally gets to 'see the world' like the recruiters have promised almost every young man who walks into their office. I don't exactly consider being in a war zone in Iraq "seeing the world" since there are many more places in the world than just that. So I am happy for him and I am glad he gets to experience this. I just wish he could come back now that he got to see France! hehe I know it doesn't work that way. So I'll be here waiting and listening to his stories. I stand among the silent ranks :)

Saturday, August 11, 2007

Tourist in My Hometown

Well, Lauren got here safe and sound Thursday evening. Its so exciting to meet a friend you have talked with for over a year on the internet in person finally! While Tony was deployed last year, there were some days I thought I'd go crazy and Lauren would help me cheer up and stick it out. Thanks Lauren!! :)

So Thursday was also the day the tornado touched down in the city and damaged the Carneige Science Center. I saw the aftermath of the storm, pretty impressive. Lauren and I drove out to the barn to see Fanny Thursday evening. It was a quick visit since more storms were on the way and my tires are pretty bald! We brushed her, clipped her fuzzy whiskers, then gave her some goodies and put her back to bed.

Friday we went to the mall for most of the day. We spent hours there but only left with books! Pretty amazing, haha! Then we went to dinner at Monte Cellos with my parents and my brother. Yummmm! We were saying how we wanted to get cute shoes and shirts then go out somewhere for drinks. So we ventured to Target and got some awesome shoes. Then we ventured back home and got all ready. We settled on Sam Morgan's - a bar near Harmarville. So my mom, Lauren, and I boogied down to the bar. They had a DJ and some interesting characters there to say the least! Lauren was a hit with the bandanna man! OH MY! He sure liked her, hahahah. But it was a great time! I don't get out that often so it was really nice to get dressed up in something more flattering than my Blockbuster gear and go somewhere with good people to have good drinks and a good time! I DDed so of course I stuck to my 2 drink max. We were bumpin' the music on the way home, oh good times good times!


Today we headed down to downtown Pittsburgh to do the "tourist" thing! I love it though! My dad took Lauren and I down to Station Square. He had already arranged reservations for the three of us on the Ducky Tour! It was a blast. The tour was about an hour long. They drove us all around downtown Pittsburgh -- showing us some of the most interesting landmarks and giving a history lesson as we went. I was excited because I knew a lot of what they told us from my History of Pittsburgh course I just passed this summer! Then we drove the tour bus INTO the river! Its a boat too! It was so fun...we floated up and down a part of the river. We got to see Point Park, Heinz Field, PNC Park, the Science Center and its submarine, and so much more! After that the boat floated back over to the bank of the river and we drove up onto the path and back over to Station Square. It was really a great tour of the city from both land and river. Highly recommended! I am definitely taking Tony when he gets home! After our Ducky Tour, Lauren and I took the Duquesne Incline to the top of Mt. Washington. She was psyched! The view up on Mt. Washington is spectacular, I never get tired of seeing it! My dad sat out the Incline ride, he isn't one for heights! After the Incline we headed up to Oakland to see Pitt and show Lauren around campus. We ate lunch at Peter's Pub, stopped in the Pitt Shop, got some shirts at the corner shop down the road, looked around the Cathedral of Learning, and peeked in Heinz Chapel (where I will be married in 9 months). It was a busy day but the weather was perfect for it. I love my little city of Pittsburgh and all of its gorgeous landmarks and historical past. I had a blast being a tourist in my hometown! :)



Tonight we are all going to hang out and watch the Steelers. Not sure whats the plan for tomorrow yet, we'll figure it out!!

Tuesday, August 7, 2007

Finally!

At last! Tony sent me an email yesterday evening! I had just gotten home from a meeting at work. I came upstairs to drop off my purse and change into my cozy clothes. I looked over at my computer (which I've been hovering over for days waiting for that email) and thought 'it doesn't hurt to check...' Sure enough there was a nice long email there from him! He said how much it sucks on the ship - it made me feel so bad, I wish I could make it better. I think it motivated me to try to be stronger and be there for him to make his time on the ship less 'sucky.' I've started a little list of things for my first care package. I hope to make it to Walmart before work today to pick up a few things and ship it out either today or tomorrow. Thank goodness for flat-rate USPS boxes! No matter where they are going in the world, its always ends up costing only eight bucks. That completely works for my budget!

He also said how there is definitely going to be a fight between the Marines and Sailors on the ship. Sort of reminds me of high school rivals ready to duke it out after a football game :) I just hope no one gets hurt! And I hope they don't get into trouble. It wouldn't surprise me if the higher-ups took their time off in the ports away as punishment, they would not even think twice about it. So lets hope they behave! He said that there are only certain times throughout the day when the Marines are allowed to use the computers. He also said that the Sailors do random drills which shut off most of the ship to the Marines.These are reasons why he hasn't been able to email me as much as he wants.

So even though the sky is gray, the rain is falling, and the thunder rumbling; today is a much better day for me. Its the first step of getting back into deployment mode!

Monday, August 6, 2007

Monday Monday

I have been trying to figure out why this deployment feels so much worse than the last one. I thought about it for a while; "he isn't in Iraq, its safer...I've done it before, why is it so hard this time?" I've come to the conclusion that its because after Tony got home from Iraq I was so excited to have him home and be able to talk to him any time I felt like it. The deployment had put such an emotional strain on me, becoming so attached to Tony once he got home was extremely easy to do. Thats what is one of the hardest parts of a deployment. They don't have cell phones or 24/7 access to the internet. I allowed myself to become spoiled when he was home from Iraq; able to call or text him any hour of the day just to say 'i love you.' I am going to have to learn to let go of this luxury I had for the past nine months and get back into deployment-mode.

Sometimes I wish I could walk around with a sign hanging from my neck that says, "No, I'm not crazy, my Marine is deployed!" I find myself loosing focus in everything I try to do. I feel like I am constantly in a fog. I'll sit down to watch a movie and lose interest. Then I'll try to organize stuff in my room and loose focus. Even when I was at work the past few days I forgot things I never forgot before. I forgot to give the girl I was working with a drawer in her register. When she went to give a customer their change, there was nothing in there! I've never done that before, not even during my training. There were a few other things I did at work which were silly and just a result of being in a daze, but I forget them already. I can't wait for the 'shock-fog' to go away.

I can sit and wonder for hours: "Where is he right now? What is he doing? I hope he doesn't feel as crappy as I do. I hope time is moving faster for him than it is for me. I wonder when he will call? When will I get another email?" Its enough to drive a girl crazy. Writing this down on a blog seems to help a bit. Usually, I would call up Tony and tell him about my day or what was bothering me. I won't write to him about how hard of a time I'm having right now, it will only bring him down. I don't want to bring him down so I keep my letters and emails relatively happy and positive...

So bare with my goofy posts about my feelings :)


"Sometimes, when one person is missing, the whole world seems depopulated."
~Lamartine


"The reason it hurts so much to separate is because our souls are connected."
~Nicholas Sparks, 'The Notebook'

Saturday, August 4, 2007

Its Not Even A Week Yet?...What?

Well, its Saturday (technically Sunday). Tony left Tuesday, feels like its been weeks rather than days. I miss him terribly. Its funny because I never realized just how often we would call each other. I really notice it when I drive home from work or school. Even on breaks at work, I'd sit down with my drink and call my buddy. And I know I can call my mom, shes my buddy too, but I do miss calling him and it hasn't even been a week...

I think it'll get better as time goes on. Once I get into a routine - like last time. Right now I just feel like I'm standing in a room full of people running around and I am in slow motion just watching them. I did get an email from Tony last night around this time. It made my night. I squealed with joy and my heart began to beat quickly. I needed those few sentences! Every bit helps. So the quick email full of "i love you" and "i miss you" will fuel me up for a few more days before I hear from him again. I think this deployment will be mainly email as communication. I guess since he isn't in a combat zone, they are not so concerned with Marines calling home. Which I guess I understand - I'd MUCH rather he be on a ship than in Iraq.

Today was a busy day. I was up at 6:00 to get over to my grandparents house to help with their neighborhood yard sale. I think they really look forward to me coming to help. We worked hard to get it all set up and nice. I was shocked when it was noon and we still had tons of things! We had nice things for nice prices. My grandma had beautiful things. She didn't sell any of them. I made 19.10 and she only made 4.95. It was discouraging and I felt so bad for my grandma. I suppose the garage sale junkie generation is slowly fading away and being replaced by ebay-ers, what a shame.

Work was slow as well tonight. My boss said "where is everyone?" I replied "they certainly weren't at my garage sale!"

Thursday, August 2, 2007

And So It Begins...

Deployment Number Two has officially begun.

Tony left Tuesday at 6:00am. It was hard. We stood at the base for 3 hours waiting for the buses to arrive. It was sad to look around and see all the marines with their girls and families. Needless to say, most of the girls had the same looks on their faces. I wonder how many stayed up half the night upset like me? I think I did pretty good with it though. Of course I cried, but I wasn't hysterical. Just hugging him outside that bus, then backing up and watching him get on - so hard. As we walked back to the rental car, I couldn't stop the tears. They were automatic but I wasn't hysterical. So I guess that was good. We followed the buses on the hour drive to Morehead City where they would be boarding their ship. We got some good pictures of the ship but I couldn't see Tony. The port was a secured and restricted area. He has already called me like 3 times since this. I am so thankful for that. Last year when he went to Iraq it was maybe a good 10 days before I heard from him after they left the states. I think they shipped off yesterday and it might be another week before I hear from him again. Hopefully he'll get his email address approved or the phones well be working soon. I didn't let my emotions catch up until I was alone in my hotel room. I crawled into bed in a ball and cried myself back to sleep...

The weekend was a great time though. My dad and brother flew down to Jacksonville with me Friday afternoon. Tony was at the airport to greet us. We gave my dad and brother a tour of the base (part of it at least!) The weather was alright - lots of scattered thunderstorms came in out of no where but no all-day rain storms. We went to Onslow Beach for a bit until the lifeguards kicked us out due to lightening sightings. We ate like royalty the whole time, haha. This was my dad's vacation too, I think he enjoyed it! We went to the mall and got stickers and shirts with USMC logos of course. We also took a little drive out to Emerald Isle on Saturday evening. It was beautiful. Sunday we spend most of the day out at Onslow Beach again. Everyone got fried! I advice you all not to use spray on sunscreen, it does not work!! If you do use it, spray is slowly and close and BEFORE going into the sun. Tony didn't wear any and he fell asleep on the beach so he was just red all over. But my brother, dad, and I used the spray and we ended up burnt in blotchy spots. Its not pretty! But it was a blast. The ocean water was so warm. We spent most of the day jumping waves and floating around. The weekend was great. I have a hard time remember what we did which days because they all ran together for me, but they're great memories to last me the next 7 months.

Right now we're only 2 days into this deployment. I miss him like crazy. Even though we don't see each other on a regular basis, I miss being able to call him on my way home from school or before I go to bed. Any time I get the feeling of "omg I miss him..." I write a letter. Thats what I did last time, it seemed to work. At least this next month is crazy busy, it should fly by. This weekend I work and I will be working a neighborhood yard sale at my grandma's house. Next weekend Lauren comes to visit!! YAY! The weekend after that, Cort and Jim get married and Lindsay will be here for that. The 23rd is my birthday. School starts up again the 27th. So that's my August - pretty busy! I'm hoping I will get a lot of hours at work and my VERY LAST SEMESTER of college should keep me busy until December. December!! Thats most of the deployment consumed by my classes. I hope that after the pain of him leaving goes away a bit that time will fly. Lets hope!

Saturday, July 14, 2007

Time Flies

Isn't that just too close to the truth?

Time really flies by. Its already July 14, 2007. Tony has to drive back down to Camp Lejuene tomorrow evening. This leave has gone by so quickly. We had a great time in Tampa - celebrating the 4th of July, visiting with family and friends, canoing down a beautiful river with wild manatees swimming underneath of us! Even though the top of my thighs got crispy burnt, I really had a great time. I finally got to meet Maggie, Tony's sister-in-law. Shes great! Little Ava (my future niece) is two-ish now. Terrible Twos!! But she was absolutely adorable. Even if I melted in the sun and couldn't sleep when it was hot, I really did have a fun time in Tampa.

Once we got home, BAM, right back into routine. Aerobics class Monday night the same day we got home, work Tuesday morning, class Tuesday night, aerobics Wednesday....etc. I'm just trying to soak up the time I have left with Tony. Its so hard to explain what it feels like. I feel like I am constantly trying to memorize every moment with him. I find myself studying his face--the outline of his features and that baby soft look in his eyes. Trying to hard to take it all in so I have that mental picture for the next 7 months when he is gone.

I try to remind myself that I have done this before. And this time it isn't even to Iraq, no biggie right? But this time, we've had 10 months to really get attached. I am very attached. I am so used to being able to call him anytime I want: breaks at work, between classes, driving home from school, etc. I don't even know how communication will be this time. I hear there will be no live-time internet access (no messengers or myspace) Only the email accounts the Marine Corps provides them. I keep thinking "what am I going to do?" Then I reassure myself I have classes and work to keep myself busy. And of course planning our wedding, which is coming up faster each time I turn the page on my wall calendar. It just really sucks to think we'll miss both of our birthdays (again), Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Year's, and maybe even Valentine's Day. Thank goodness that after May of next year, we only have one year left of this garbage...


"Dear Lord,
Give me the greatness of heart to see the difference between duty and his love for me. Give me understanding that I may know, when duty calls him he must go. Give me a task to do each day, to fill the time when he's away. And Lord, when he's in a foreign land, keep him safe in your loving hand. And Lord, when duty is in the field, please protect him and be his shield. And Lord, when deployment is so long, please stay with me and keep me strong. Amen.
"
-Author Unknown

Thursday, June 21, 2007

Would You Like A Little Thunder With Your Summer?

So today is the first day of summer. Today is also full of thunder, rain, and wicked lightening!




I am horse-sitting for a woman who lives about 2 miles away from me. She has three horses: an 11 year old Tennessee Walking Horse named MG, a 10 year old Puervian Fino named Miel, and a 31 year old Morgan named Coco. MG especially is such a character, he really is a stinker. He'll torment and pester the old mare Coco, resulting in horrid squeals and sounds as she tries her hardest to kick at him (I think she is too arthritic and stiff to do so successfully). Poor old girl! Anyway, as this storm was rolling in I decided to bring my pony Dale in out of the pasture since he has no shelter from the storm in his pasture. He was happy about this because I think he could sense the storm coming! I was trying to hold off a bit longer on the three stooges down the road since they do have somewhere to go to get out of the storm. But these horses are up on a huge hill wide open and let me tell you, the storms are scarier than hell from up on there. I decided to go over and get them in. So I'm trying to clean the stalls out as fast as I can, get their dinner and water situated, referee between MG and Coco, and try to get them in before the storm hits. Success! I ran around like a maniac getting all this done correctly before the storm hit and I did.



The last storm we had on Tuesday was not a success....
I was over at Pam's barn doing the same routine I always do...clean stalls and get their dinner all set up before I bring them in. Out of no where the sky is practically black and I think to myself "hmmm I think I should hurry up and try to get them in before the storm hits." Well I wasn't fast enough...the storm hits just after I get them all in their stalls. Huge crashes of thunder and cloud to ground lightening like mad. Its so creepy to see up on that hill! And I might sound crazy but...I was watering MG during the storm Tuesday and suddenly I feel an electrical feeling in my hand zip up and kind of pop me on top of my head! The watering system they have at their barn is really different. It runs underground and I think up onto their roof. Then each stall has a nozzle that points directly into the bucket. Its really neat and sophisticated, but I swear it shocked me from lightening that must have struck nearby! Okay, I might be crazy but I felt it and I kept feeling that feeling in my head for like an hour or so after.









P.S. These pictures are from the barn I horse-sit at. Isn't it gorgeous!? Its my dream barn, however, I would like more than 3 stalls :)

Wednesday, June 13, 2007

Horses and Clippers and Soap...Oh My!

Today was Bathing Day at the barn for the horse show this weekend. Bathing day is always an adventure in itself! There are eleven horses going to the show this time...which means eleven horses who needed four legs, two ears, and one head clipped. Eleven horses who needed four hooves scrubbed, one head wrestled with to bathe, and one body washed. Two of them were done yesterday which left us with nine today. For a while we were moving along rather quickly until the major storms swept through and we had to stop clipping/bathing for safety reasons! Most of the horses are pretty good for their clipping and bathing rituals. However, Dream (a beautiful young mare), does not enjoy this process. It took three of us to hold her steady and clip the inside of her ears. Now, most horses HATE having their ears clipped, which is understandable. But we couldn't even get near Dream's little ears! Finally after a long time of wrestling and some close calls we finally got her ears done and she looks gorgeous.

It was a long and damp day but a job well done. Many might wonder "why the heck would she do that and how much does she get for it?" I can answer the latter with much greater ease than the former, I don't get anything for it. I do this because its a passion. I've helped at nearly every bathing day for about ten years now. I love it, I love to work hard and I love to be with horses. Some day I will no longer be able to volunteer my time to help (which I think will be sooner than I want once I enter the "real world" and need to work all the time to afford the costs of living...) so I'm enjoying helping while I still can...


"The essential joy of being with horses is that it brings us in contact with the rare elements of grace, beauty, spirit, and fire."

~Sharon Ralls Lemon


Monday, June 11, 2007

The Beginning

So I have decided to jump on the bandwagon and begin my own personal blog. After being in a special topics communication writing course at The University of Pittsburgh for the past five weeks, which is studying nothing other than blogs, I've become rather intrigued by the idea of this new publicized self disclosure thing (apparently it's all the rage these days!)

This blog will probably be very uninteresting to everyone else who reads it! However, I think it feels good to "get things out and in the open"...I suppose this is what blogs can do. A lot of my blog will talk about school, work, family, horses (one of my passions in life), and my fiance in the military who will be deploying at the end of July. This will be our second deployment together, however, I'm dreading the separation. Last time was Iraq, this time he is on a ship with the Navy...which I think is better? Maybe this blog can aid in the maintenance of my sanity :)



"You got a dream, you gotta protect it. People can't do something themselves, they wanna tell you that you can't do it. You want something? Go get it. Period."

-Pursuit of Happyness