I have been trying to figure out why this deployment feels so much worse than the last one. I thought about it for a while; "he isn't in Iraq, its safer...I've done it before, why is it so hard this time?" I've come to the conclusion that its because after Tony got home from Iraq I was so excited to have him home and be able to talk to him any time I felt like it. The deployment had put such an emotional strain on me, becoming so attached to Tony once he got home was extremely easy to do. Thats what is one of the hardest parts of a deployment. They don't have cell phones or 24/7 access to the internet. I allowed myself to become spoiled when he was home from Iraq; able to call or text him any hour of the day just to say 'i love you.' I am going to have to learn to let go of this luxury I had for the past nine months and get back into deployment-mode.
Sometimes I wish I could walk around with a sign hanging from my neck that says, "No, I'm not crazy, my Marine is deployed!" I find myself loosing focus in everything I try to do. I feel like I am constantly in a fog. I'll sit down to watch a movie and lose interest. Then I'll try to organize stuff in my room and loose focus. Even when I was at work the past few days I forgot things I never forgot before. I forgot to give the girl I was working with a drawer in her register. When she went to give a customer their change, there was nothing in there! I've never done that before, not even during my training. There were a few other things I did at work which were silly and just a result of being in a daze, but I forget them already. I can't wait for the 'shock-fog' to go away.
I can sit and wonder for hours: "Where is he right now? What is he doing? I hope he doesn't feel as crappy as I do. I hope time is moving faster for him than it is for me. I wonder when he will call? When will I get another email?" Its enough to drive a girl crazy. Writing this down on a blog seems to help a bit. Usually, I would call up Tony and tell him about my day or what was bothering me. I won't write to him about how hard of a time I'm having right now, it will only bring him down. I don't want to bring him down so I keep my letters and emails relatively happy and positive...
So bare with my goofy posts about my feelings :)
"Sometimes, when one person is missing, the whole world seems depopulated."
~Lamartine
"The reason it hurts so much to separate is because our souls are connected."
~Nicholas Sparks, 'The Notebook'
1 comment:
It's hard to get back into the swing of deployment mode. Try and relax a little and remember - each day brings you one day closer to homecoming!
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