Well, things have gotten a bit easier since my last post. Maybe not easier, possibly more manageable is more appropriate to describe it. Tony was able to call me yesterday and get on the webcam as well. This always helps.
I had my hair lightened on Friday. I was nervous about it and after it was finished, I was not sure what I thought of it. As the evening went on, I decided I didn't like it. I was almost in tears. Then yesterday I washed my hair and styled it my way, and its not bad. Actually, it might even be growing on me. My hair was blond for years and years. Naturally, I am a dark blond. But I've had my hair brunette for two years and it was quite a change to go back to light. I think lately I've been a bit resistant to change. In any event, I've gotten used to my light hair. Tony says its gorgeous (although I could shave it all off and he would love it anyway!)
Thankfully this is the last post of September! Which brings us to October as of tomorrow. It is a great feeling each time I can flip another page on my calendar. I look forward to this each month! I enjoy Xing off the days. Each X is an X closer to Tony's homecoming. A little bird told me to look at the second week in February for this! Although, things are never concrete with the Marines, so this might change numerous times before it happens.
The last few days have been so difficult. I find myself missing Tony so much its almost unbearable. I feel sad and lost all day. Its hard to focus on school and work. I don't really feel like interacting with other people. When I am not busy, sometimes I'll just sit for hours and stare at nothing getting lost in my thoughts. The simplest things can send me off in tears. How am I supposed to do this for another four months? Even my DVDs for work don't interest me - I have to force myself to sit and watch them.
I know there are good and bad days. But even my "good days" are bad. The "bad days" are just plain horrible. I hate deployments. Especially this one, its a huge waste of money. They take our guys away unnecessarily for months with limited communication. All they do is sit in the desert and train. The same training they can do in the US for a fraction of the time and money. I just don't understand it.
I wish I could just get into the swing of this deployment. Last year I had horse shows and barn stuff to keep busy. Now I don't even feel wanted at the barn. Thats another sad subject. I have to drag myself to the barn. Its not fair to Fanny. I love her so much but sometimes the barn is the last place I feel like being. I need to get there this weekend to see her. I wish I wasn't so miserable :(
seconds feel like minutes, minutes feel like hours, hours feel like days, days feel like weeks, weeks feel like years, and months are decades!
This is how I feel sometimes about deployments. When I get to talk to Tony, its not so bad and time passes a bit quicker. This weekend, Tony had to spend a few days out in the field, which is actually a desert somewhere. This is the first time in like 2 in a half weeks I have gone more than one day with out some type of communication. I kept reminding myself he'd be back to the hooch to be able to talk to me by 11:00pm his time, 4:00pm my time. Well four o'clock as come and gone, it is nearly six, and I have not heard from him. It is so hard to focus on something else instead of thinking, "wonder why he didn't call or get online yet? Wonder if they're still out there? I hope everything is ok. Wonder when I'll talk to him?" Because at least I had some very short term goal, make it until Sunday afternoon. Now I feel like, "hmmmm now what?"
Spirits are slowly falling as I look at the calendar and see there is still one more week before September is over. Tony keeps saying it'll go faster once we hit the half way mark. I let him keep thinking that because if it works for him, awesome! But I remember the last deployment and by the end of it, I was a wreck. I remember the weekend I left to meet him in NC. I was sick to my stomach with stress and shakey nerves. Maybe this time will be a bit better since he is not in Iraq.
Ah yes, motivation. Something I usually have. But lately, I have very little. This could be the result of a few things. First of, I blame Senioritis. I am in my very last semester at Pitt. I guess you could call me a "super Senior" (this is what Lauren calls it). Its a cute way of saying 5th year student! I'm not sure what I am, since I won't be in school this Spring. Wow, its weird to say that, but I like it. I am very "over" school and most of what it entails. I am tired of the new Freshmen on campus each August who run around like in the halls of my high school. I am most tired of the students who run out in front of my car while I am clearly accelerating! Yes I know pedistrians are usually the ones with the right away. However, its not one or two people, its like 30 people. They look right at you and continue to walk. I'm sure they can smell the burning of my brake pads since I had to slam them on to avoid killing one or two of the students!
Monday this week, I actually screamed out my window at the people. I yelled, "THIS IS NOT A FREAKING CROSS WALK!!" I got a lot of looks but only one or two people stopped and waited on the sidewalk. The worst part is, about 20 yards down the sidewalk there is a crosswalk, is it that hard to walk such a short distance? Monday was a bad day for my morning commute. It usually is. Traffic was horrible. And as I usually do, I got stuck behind many slow vehicles on my drive. I also had many slow people pull out in front of me, then proceed at a snail's pace. That is maddening, there is nothing you can do about it. But tell that to your professors? Most students don't commute any further than a few blocks down the road. I'd love to trade with them just one day so they'd stop complaining.
I think my sleeping habits are leading to my lack of motivation as well. Its not that I like to stay up late playing games or watching movies - quite the opposite. Usually, I work and then end up staying awake until after midnight to try to catch up on my homework. Or, if I do get to sleep at a good time, I can't stay asleep. Sometimes I will wake up 5 times throughout the night. Sometimes to go to the bathroom, sometimes to get a drink, other times from nightmares, many times for no reason at all. There are also a few cases where I wake up to a phone call or an instant message sound from Tony. I don't mind these wake up calls! Last night I had two horrible nightmares. One dream was about the Cathedral of Learning collapsing along with a few other large Pitt buildings (Cathedral of Learning is a 30-something story building at my college, it is the tallest academic building in the US, 2nd tallest in the world). In the other nightmare, I was in Iraq. I saw people murdered in the most disturbing ways. I am not even sure where my mind would have seen such images to recreate in my dreams. It woke me up with such a fright I felt deathly afraid and it took me a little while to fall back to sleep.
I hope my motivation comes back soon. Can't be a slacker at Pitt, its dangerous.
Its been a while since I've had time to sit down and update my blog, let alone read my two favorites! (mom and Lauren's) I apologize for that guys!
This week has felt like a blur. Sunday we went to the Genesis concert at the Melon Arena. It was so fantastic! I grew up listening to ALL of those songs. They were all so familiar to me even after years of not hearing them. I knew most of the words or at least could hear it in my head. It was so great, I'd definitely see them again. This video is from the concert we were at, I did not film it but I thought it was cool since I was THERE! We were to the left of the stage, this was filmed from the right. Great concert!! :)
PS - take note of how nice and loud us Pittsburghers got in the crowd! Some of those loud whistles were mine, thank you very much! hehehe
As for this week, I'm not sure if it was work or school or a combination of the two - it seriously flew by. This is a good thing I guess, since it means one more week closer to homecoming! This Tuesday will be 7 weeks since Tony left. Hard to believe its nearly 2 months. At times it feel sooo slow, then there are weeks like this past week where the time passes quickly.
I've been lucky enough to talk to Tony nearly every day for a week. Give or take a few. He has been on Instant Messenger as well as calling me. I think its pathetic that they make the guys pay for internet access if they want to use a messenger service. Also, the calling cards are chopped in half 3 times! I bought him 800 minutes the one day and he ended up with barely an hour and half worth of call time. I've just ordered a 550 min Global calling card, they claim they get more for the minutes, we'll see!
He also was able to get to a webcam! How AWESOME is that?! I was actually able to see him live-time over the internet. I'll tell ya, my smile was about 5 miles long lol. It really helped to boost my spirits and keep me going. From what Tony says, it has done the same for him. How exciting!! :)
Tuesday after school, I toyed with the thought of driving out to the barn for the weekly trail ride. I finally said "I'm just going to go" And I went. I hadn't gone to one for nearly a year. Last year, they went Fridays and I usually had to work. There were about 11 of us that went. The weather was beautiful and I could tell Fanny was enjoying the ride. She doesn't race to the front of the gang anymore these days. We end up falling behind to the last or second to last of the horses. But thats ok, she does her best as she always has, and we have a great time. It took three days for my leg muscles to stop aching, lol but it was worth it. I did not have my usual western saddle, so I had to use more muscle to ride with my english one! I think its easier on her to have a lighter saddle anyway! I think I'll try to go again next week :)
Today I had to be at work by 9:00am. Since the store is undergoing an 8 week labor crunch, I had to be there alone to open the store. We open at 10:00, sure enough there were about 3 people ready to come in at 10 on the dot! One of whom had been waiting for us to open for 45 minutes before! It just makes me think "come on people, its Saturday, sleep in for goodness sake!" But I paint on that smile and say "hello!" as they come barging through the glass doors.
Needless to say, it would have helped a GREAT deal today if I could have had someone with me, at least from 10-2. It was non-stop busy with huge long lines, people calling looking for films, kids running around crying, people asking to be let into the bathroom, customers complaining about anything they can, etc. Around 2:30, I feel my cell phone (which I keep on vibrate in my pocket just in case!) Vibrating. I know that if it does it more than twice, it is a call rather than a text. It vibrated more than two times, so I took it out to look at the ID. It read "call" nothing more...I answer and I hear "Hi angel, I love you" OH MY GOSH!!! It was Tony! I was so excited, I almost burst into tears of happiness in the middle of my store. It has been 2 weeks + 1 day since the last time I heard his voice. Even with trying to juggle my conversation with my deployed fiance along with managing customers, what a great feeling to finally hear him after so long.
He updated me on their new training schedule "over there" I won't go into details because of the tight security situations. But if all goes as planned, they should be homeward bound by the end of January! I'll be counting the days...This Tuesday will be 6 weeks down!!
My good friend Lauren also received phone calls today from Scott. However, she had forgotten her cellphone back home in her other purse and missed all 4 of them! My gosh, poor Lauren! I feel so bad for her about that. I wish there was something I could do to help! Many people have no idea what this feels like. Its a feeling you get deep down in the pit of your stomach. This feeling then jolts up into your chest and you feel like your heart might burst. Then it feels as if your heart leaped into your throat and you might suffocate! Then the tears come. All of this occurs in about 30 seconds or less. I know its easy to say, "its ok he'll call again." But when you are on the side where you missed the calls, nothing seems to help! I'm praying for her and crossing my fingers that Scott will try again VERY soon so she can hear her Marine's voice. I love you Lauren!! :)
But its good to know they have made it to their destination and their place of residence for the next few weeks. I hope there will be many more phone calls or instant messages to come after this first day of sandy phone calls :)
Today was the last day of the last horse show this season. The weather was so perfect for a horse show. Not too hot, low humidity, sunny clear skies, no rain! It was a beautiful weekend. I couldn't make it to bathing day on Wednesday nor set-up day on Thursday due to school being back in session. I also didn't make it there Friday because of work. But I finally got up there Saturday afternoon for a few hours until I got called into work from 7:00-close (figures! but I want the money). And we got up there again today from 8:00am-5:00pm. Long day today but it was busy so I am sure they appreciated the help. Gosh I just love to dive in to getting horses ready and helping the kids get through their class. The one girl, Christina, won her open English JR Exhibitor today! It was so exciting. It reminds me of when I was 12 and 13 like they are and I would go into a class all nervous and worried, then have a kick butt ride and take home a blue. Those were the good old days! Nothing beats that thrill and that excitement. It was also so great that my mom was able to slip away from the house both Saturday and today to come with me. We used to do horse shows together for YEARS, and I really enjoyed spending horsey time together again :)
Wow do I miss showing though. I retired Fanny (my Arabian show horse) officially from the show ring this year. She would keep doing it if I asked her to and put her back to work, but she is 26 years old and has given me her entire heart since I got her in 1998. She has earned a happy and healthy retirement. But I definitely really miss having a horse to pull into shape, take to the shows and see how we do. Its so hard to stand at the rail instead of riding in it! And sometimes I get this crazy idea where I think "if I save this much money each month I'll be able to get one!" Then I remember that 'getting one' comes with board to pay and farrier/vet bills which seem to be never ending. And that I am also trying to be a 'big girl' and save for a house since I am going to be married in April. My mom keeps saying I'll get another one some day, its just really hard to imagine right now. Sometimes I wish a million dollars would fall out of the sky on my front porch one day. I know they say money can't buy happiness, but gosh would it sure help me out!! I'd pay off school, get my house and barn, and get myself a new show horse. Sigh...o well hopefully my mom is right and I'll have a new one someday.
My hair was blond for years and years. Naturally, I am a dark blond. But I've had my hair brunette for two years and it was quite a change to go back to light. I think lately I've been a bit resistant to change. In any event, I've gotten used to my light hair. Tony says its gorgeous (although I could shave it all off and he would love it anyway!)