Searching for the energy and drive to post a new entry...soon.
four days and counting since my last phone call - emails seriously don't cut it.
Sunday, November 18, 2007
Monday, November 12, 2007
At Last!!
Yes! At last I got a phone call!! This morning at 7:59 my phone rang and read "call". It was Tony!! It was one of those bounce off the walls, do a flip, heart leap out of your chest kind of feelings. Words cannot explain how that phone call feels. Thank goodness. He sounded great and we talked about 30 mins. What a way to start the day, and the week for that matter! Quick post today, lots of studying to do before I go to sleep! :)
Saturday, November 10, 2007
Pony Kisses!
So far today, I've spent most of the day in a barn of some sort. I got up this morning and drove over to the house where I horse sit. I've posted about this place before, although she is down to only two horses now. I let her horses out and then cleaned their stalls. This only took me about 30 minutes. Then I came home and brushed Dale so I could put his turn-out sheet on. Its not so much that I want him outside with his "jacket" on, but I don't want him to roll in the mud so I can put his stable blanket on tonight (or "jammies" as I call them). Its going down to 29 tonight, I think a blanket will necessary for bed! After putting Dale out, I proceeded to clean his stall and sweep up all of the loose hay in the barn. I hate when it collects and gets really hard to clean up. Plus, this helps keep the barn dust down which is easier on his breathing. 
After all this, I saw a rail down on his split-rail pasture fence. So I went over to try to fix it. I was having a difficult time with trying to get the rail to fit in the slot. Dale comes over and starts being the curious pony he is. Then he does something I've never him do! He started to nibble ever so lightly on my head with his lips. Then he was wiggling his lips on my face. I gave him a kiss on the nose and then he did it back to me on my cheek. I know this sounds crazy but I think he figured out how to kiss! It definitely helped put a smile on my face and lighten my mood. I love my little pony buddy!
After all this, I saw a rail down on his split-rail pasture fence. So I went over to try to fix it. I was having a difficult time with trying to get the rail to fit in the slot. Dale comes over and starts being the curious pony he is. Then he does something I've never him do! He started to nibble ever so lightly on my head with his lips. Then he was wiggling his lips on my face. I gave him a kiss on the nose and then he did it back to me on my cheek. I know this sounds crazy but I think he figured out how to kiss! It definitely helped put a smile on my face and lighten my mood. I love my little pony buddy!
Friday, November 9, 2007
Dying For A Phone Call
Yes, I really am. Last phone call was on Halloween for about 60 seconds. I haven't had a conversation on the phone with Tony for weeks. Its a miserable feeling I can't explain. He hasn't had time to get to a phone, plus he ran out of minutes on his calling card which I can't seem to figure out how to recharge it. Its horrible. Its torture. Its cruel, they shouldn't have to pay to use a telephone to call home once in a while.
I hate deployments and being tired. :( I miss him.
I hate deployments and being tired. :( I miss him.
Saturday, November 3, 2007
A Long Good-Bye
I'm not even sure where to begin. This week has been a blur. It started out with a bunch of small things that I joked with Lauren saying "my life is a country song" Well yesterday I could add another verse to the song. My grandma passed away over night.
Tuesday is where it begins. I was running late as usual. Left the house 30 mins later than I like to. I ran down the sidewalks, up the steps of the CL, and down the hall to my class. Got there by 11:05. No one was in there, it was dark. One kid was sitting in the hall behind me and said "oh class is canceled." Figures. Then I got a phone call a little later from Torrie at work saying Kim had called off sick (already) and there wasn't really anyone to cover for her. Guess that leaves me. I was so angry because I had a great deal of homework to do and since I worked Wednesday, I expected to do it Tuesday. I feel bad that I sort of exploded towards Torrie. I have apologized and she understands. I didn't have to work Tuesday thankfully. Thankfully even more so because my brakes died Tuesday late afternoon anyway. I put my foot on the brake when I was putting my car in reverse to back out of a parking spot. My foot slid forward and I heard a bit of a POP air sound. I didn't think anything of the sound, but my brake pedal felt weird. I called my mom saying it felt 'loose' I think I used a bad choice of words to describe it. So when I got on Rt 8 and I realized I could hardly stop my car, I called mom again saying "mom, I'm having a REALLY hard time stopping my car." She told me to stay put and she and my dad would be there soon. Sure enough the brake line ruptured and was spilling brake fluid all over the parking lot of Sheetz. My car was towed away and repaired 400 bucks later. I was lucky - it could have been a dangerous mess if it happened while I was doing 50 mph down the highway.
Wednesday was Halloween. I was excited to work because I was dressing up as Meredith Grey from Grey's Anatomy - my favorite Television show. Class finished at 4:15 and I had to be there at 5:00. So I was a bit anxious about that, but figured I've made it before, I'll be fine. I was already in a terrible mood, almost in tears, since I got a 76 on my midterm essay for one of my literature classes. I feel like I deserved at least a B. This 76 is not acceptable to me. Well, apparently everyone was rushing home for Halloween at the same time. It took me 30 minutes to get from my parking spot in Oakland to Bloomfield. This is roughly a 4 mile drive, it should take me 3 minutes. I ended up being 15 minutes late to work. Then to top it all off, Tony tried to call me at about 6:15, my phone was on vibrate in my pocket and I only felt the last ring. When I looked at my phone it said "missed call" and I saw the call was "no number." I listened to the voice mail and just crumbled outside of my store with tears running down my face. Luckily Lauren, the amazing friend she is, emailed Tony and he was able to call again. But it was for about 1 minute since the calling card ran out of minutes. So the rest of the night I felt pretty down.
Thursday was a bit better of a day. I went straight to the barn after school. It was awesome to spend some time with her, she brightened my spirits. I came home to be on Grandma duty since Brian had a hockey game and dad was out of town. Gram had been out of it for the last few days. She knew who we were and what was going on, but when you spoke to her, she jumbled her words back to you. She had been difficult to get pills into and fell asleep a few times eating dinner or lunch. I gave her a bologna sandwhich and chips for dinner. I had to remind her 3 or 4 times to take her pills. Now looking back I feel bad because some of my last words to her were "take your pills grammie!" I was getting annoyed, now I feel bad. I went back upstairs to try to clean my room up. I came back down 30 mins later and all of her food was gone. Then Buffy (my dog) trotted out of her room with her head down and tail wagging between her legs. I am not certain, but all of those clues makes me think Gram fed the majority of her dinner to the dog. I looked in on her, she was asleep in her chair. So I didn't talk to her and I went back upstairs to wait for my 9:00 show. I didn't come back down again until about 9:45 when mom and Brian came home. Then our water pressure was down and we suspected the well died again. We were all so mad, so upset, the feeling in the house was indescribable. It was a mix of tension, hostility, frustration, etc. From all of us. I drove to my grandparents to shower at 11:00pm since I had to work in the morning. I was annoyed the rest of the night. I went up to bed at like midnight. I leaned into gram's room and I said "night grammie!" she jumbled for words and said "night honey, sleep tight" I didn't answer, I just moped up the steps. I regret that. I should have gone inside and at least looked at her. I last saw her alive when I gave her dinner. I am foolish, I should have gone in to see her when I said night but I was annoyed about the water situation and working all weekend.
Friday morning. I had to be at work by 9. I felt tired and a bit crabby thinking our well was broken. I cheered up at bit at work. I was busy with paperwork and the usual busy morning stuff at Blockbuster. At about noonish, I was doing the FOS report (found on shelf) I felt cheerful. Work phone rang, I answered "Thank you for calling Blockbuster in Allison Park, this is Nikki, How can I help you?" I hear a familiar voice, its my mom. I said "hey how are ya?" she says "ehh not so good...Grandma died this morning" Almost felt unreal. I knew she wasn't well and probably wouldn't be around for much longer, but I didn't expect it then at that moment. I cried. Standing in the back corner of my store with my clipboard in my hand. Thankfully there were no customers. Torrie is the Assistant Store Manager and one of my good friends. She insisted I leave once she got there at 3:00 (I had been scheduled til 5). She also took my morning shifts both today and tomorrow. She closed last night, opened today, will close tonight, and open Sunday. I feel so bad about her working all these shifts, but we have no other managers (they're all on vacation, which ticked me off this week as well). She might be able to find someone from another store for tonight. She is such a good person.
I know grandma is in a better place now, no pain, no confusion, and with her wonderful husband. I just feel so sad. And with Tony being gone, its even harder. He is supposed to be my rock, my support system. And he hasn't even been able to call me. All I got was a paragraph of an email saying he was sorry and feels bad. It makes me almost angry at him, but for what? He is doing his job, he can't be here. When he deployed, I had this feeling deep down saying "Gram will pass while he is gone and I'll be here doing the funeral stuff with out him..." I was right.
I feel like I didn't get to say good-bye. I feel like I didn't spend enough time with her lately. I have just been exhausted, physically and emotionally. But as I think about it, we have been saying good-bye for years, especially the last two years after papa died and gram moved in. My mom's AD blog buddies have many nicknames for this disease. One I find perfect to describe it is "The Long Good-Bye" Because it is. They are slipping away slowly and we all know it. So even though I did not get to kiss her cheek and give her a hug one last time, I've been saying good-bye for years.
Rest in Peace "Grammie"
Tuesday is where it begins. I was running late as usual. Left the house 30 mins later than I like to. I ran down the sidewalks, up the steps of the CL, and down the hall to my class. Got there by 11:05. No one was in there, it was dark. One kid was sitting in the hall behind me and said "oh class is canceled." Figures. Then I got a phone call a little later from Torrie at work saying Kim had called off sick (already) and there wasn't really anyone to cover for her. Guess that leaves me. I was so angry because I had a great deal of homework to do and since I worked Wednesday, I expected to do it Tuesday. I feel bad that I sort of exploded towards Torrie. I have apologized and she understands. I didn't have to work Tuesday thankfully. Thankfully even more so because my brakes died Tuesday late afternoon anyway. I put my foot on the brake when I was putting my car in reverse to back out of a parking spot. My foot slid forward and I heard a bit of a POP air sound. I didn't think anything of the sound, but my brake pedal felt weird. I called my mom saying it felt 'loose' I think I used a bad choice of words to describe it. So when I got on Rt 8 and I realized I could hardly stop my car, I called mom again saying "mom, I'm having a REALLY hard time stopping my car." She told me to stay put and she and my dad would be there soon. Sure enough the brake line ruptured and was spilling brake fluid all over the parking lot of Sheetz. My car was towed away and repaired 400 bucks later. I was lucky - it could have been a dangerous mess if it happened while I was doing 50 mph down the highway.
Wednesday was Halloween. I was excited to work because I was dressing up as Meredith Grey from Grey's Anatomy - my favorite Television show. Class finished at 4:15 and I had to be there at 5:00. So I was a bit anxious about that, but figured I've made it before, I'll be fine. I was already in a terrible mood, almost in tears, since I got a 76 on my midterm essay for one of my literature classes. I feel like I deserved at least a B. This 76 is not acceptable to me. Well, apparently everyone was rushing home for Halloween at the same time. It took me 30 minutes to get from my parking spot in Oakland to Bloomfield. This is roughly a 4 mile drive, it should take me 3 minutes. I ended up being 15 minutes late to work. Then to top it all off, Tony tried to call me at about 6:15, my phone was on vibrate in my pocket and I only felt the last ring. When I looked at my phone it said "missed call" and I saw the call was "no number." I listened to the voice mail and just crumbled outside of my store with tears running down my face. Luckily Lauren, the amazing friend she is, emailed Tony and he was able to call again. But it was for about 1 minute since the calling card ran out of minutes. So the rest of the night I felt pretty down.
Thursday was a bit better of a day. I went straight to the barn after school. It was awesome to spend some time with her, she brightened my spirits. I came home to be on Grandma duty since Brian had a hockey game and dad was out of town. Gram had been out of it for the last few days. She knew who we were and what was going on, but when you spoke to her, she jumbled her words back to you. She had been difficult to get pills into and fell asleep a few times eating dinner or lunch. I gave her a bologna sandwhich and chips for dinner. I had to remind her 3 or 4 times to take her pills. Now looking back I feel bad because some of my last words to her were "take your pills grammie!" I was getting annoyed, now I feel bad. I went back upstairs to try to clean my room up. I came back down 30 mins later and all of her food was gone. Then Buffy (my dog) trotted out of her room with her head down and tail wagging between her legs. I am not certain, but all of those clues makes me think Gram fed the majority of her dinner to the dog. I looked in on her, she was asleep in her chair. So I didn't talk to her and I went back upstairs to wait for my 9:00 show. I didn't come back down again until about 9:45 when mom and Brian came home. Then our water pressure was down and we suspected the well died again. We were all so mad, so upset, the feeling in the house was indescribable. It was a mix of tension, hostility, frustration, etc. From all of us. I drove to my grandparents to shower at 11:00pm since I had to work in the morning. I was annoyed the rest of the night. I went up to bed at like midnight. I leaned into gram's room and I said "night grammie!" she jumbled for words and said "night honey, sleep tight" I didn't answer, I just moped up the steps. I regret that. I should have gone inside and at least looked at her. I last saw her alive when I gave her dinner. I am foolish, I should have gone in to see her when I said night but I was annoyed about the water situation and working all weekend.
Friday morning. I had to be at work by 9. I felt tired and a bit crabby thinking our well was broken. I cheered up at bit at work. I was busy with paperwork and the usual busy morning stuff at Blockbuster. At about noonish, I was doing the FOS report (found on shelf) I felt cheerful. Work phone rang, I answered "Thank you for calling Blockbuster in Allison Park, this is Nikki, How can I help you?" I hear a familiar voice, its my mom. I said "hey how are ya?" she says "ehh not so good...Grandma died this morning" Almost felt unreal. I knew she wasn't well and probably wouldn't be around for much longer, but I didn't expect it then at that moment. I cried. Standing in the back corner of my store with my clipboard in my hand. Thankfully there were no customers. Torrie is the Assistant Store Manager and one of my good friends. She insisted I leave once she got there at 3:00 (I had been scheduled til 5). She also took my morning shifts both today and tomorrow. She closed last night, opened today, will close tonight, and open Sunday. I feel so bad about her working all these shifts, but we have no other managers (they're all on vacation, which ticked me off this week as well). She might be able to find someone from another store for tonight. She is such a good person.
I know grandma is in a better place now, no pain, no confusion, and with her wonderful husband. I just feel so sad. And with Tony being gone, its even harder. He is supposed to be my rock, my support system. And he hasn't even been able to call me. All I got was a paragraph of an email saying he was sorry and feels bad. It makes me almost angry at him, but for what? He is doing his job, he can't be here. When he deployed, I had this feeling deep down saying "Gram will pass while he is gone and I'll be here doing the funeral stuff with out him..." I was right.
I feel like I didn't get to say good-bye. I feel like I didn't spend enough time with her lately. I have just been exhausted, physically and emotionally. But as I think about it, we have been saying good-bye for years, especially the last two years after papa died and gram moved in. My mom's AD blog buddies have many nicknames for this disease. One I find perfect to describe it is "The Long Good-Bye" Because it is. They are slipping away slowly and we all know it. So even though I did not get to kiss her cheek and give her a hug one last time, I've been saying good-bye for years.
Rest in Peace "Grammie"
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